Coping with grief 5 years on
At the 5 year mark it can feel like you’re supposed to have it all together. For some reason there’s this expectation that after a certain amount of time or after you’ve been through each “stage” of grief you should be fine and dandy.
I’m here to tell you that couldn’t be further from the truth and you’re EXTREMELY NORMAL to be still feeling all the feels 5 years on.
When I lost my dad I didn’t see the point in anything. I was so angry at everything and everyone. How could everything carry on when my world just got tipped upside down? In the first year I felt like I was on a rollercoaster that didn’t ever stop. I’m still on that roller coaster but it goes a lot slower and there’s less sudden drops.
That’s not to say there aren't drops and anything can trigger a bad grief day. What I’ve figured out along the way is that embracing the bad grief days helps with coping. They will come but they will also go. No amount of time will numb the pain, however your strength will grow and grow with time which will help you cope better on those tough days.
I’ve curated a list of things to remember on the hard days.
You don’t have to have it all figured out EVER
5 years isn’t that long in the grand scheme of things
Not everyone will understand and that’s okay
Taking the time you need is not selfish
Setting boundaries is necessary
Communicating how you feel can help
Look at how far you’ve come already!! (Smashing it!)
Having these bad days does NOT mean you’re failing
Unexpected triggers are normal
You’re not broken, you’re just grieving
You don’t have to have it all figured out EVER
The pressure of needing to be “back to normal” or “back to who you once were” is immense after losing someone.
You might even find the expectation is coming from yourself and you crave some normalcy because you want to numb the pain of it all.
I felt like I’d lost myself when my dad died and I essentially did lose a part of me. It feels strange to leave a part of you behind but it means you can grow into a stronger version of you. This version might feel like a stranger at first but this new you is going to help you through the darkest days.
5 years on isn’t that long in the grand scheme of things
That timeline that society has for us is a load of bullshit. Learning to live without my dad gives me a new lesson every single day. Sometimes I feel like I’ve finally got a hold on things and then I find myself crying at a ringtone that he used to have.
No amount of time will take away the hurt or the unfairness of it all, but it does make you more ruthless. At the end of the day, the people who get it get it and the ones that don’t are lucky they don’t.
Not everyone will understand and that’s okay
I’ve found that when I meet people who have been through a similar kind of loss, we naturally connect and relate on the tough feelings that come with grief.
It’s one of those things that you don’t wish on anybody but when you chat to someone who understands it feels really nice to speak openly and without judgement.
Some people on the other hand can be a lot less understanding especially when it comes to snapping back to who you were before grief.
When you come across people like this it can be really hard. Not only because you might already be doubting yourself and putting yourself down for STILL feeling the affects of grief but because you don’t know how to respond or be around this person now.
All you can do in situations like this is communicate where you’re at, if you feel comfortable doing so and hope that the person can find a level of understanding.
If they don’t however, it might be best to avoid them if possible. You don’t need anyone bringing you down, especially when you’re already feeling low. Protect your energy and look after yourself.
Taking the time you need is not selfish
It might sound obvious to take the time you need but it’s amazing what emotions can come up when you decide to do what’s best for you.
Guilt, shame and feeling selfish are all extremely common and usually completely undeserved. Taking the time you need is a necessity and is more important than ever if you’re beating yourself up for needing it.
Grief is constant even if the bad days show up less now, you’re still carrying a lot with you at all times. It might be time to make time to take a well deserved break (even if that means 10 minutes to sit by yourself).
Setting boundaries is necessary
Life carries on. It just keeps going whether you’re keeping up or not. Which is why we have to set boundaries to help ourselves keep up when everything feels like too much.
Some days, weeks or even months, I feel the need to isolate myself. Hibernate a bit. Sometimes I just need some space from everything going on and need to try and work through some of the trauma by myself.
Unfortunately not everyone will understand when you need to put yourself first, especially if you’re known for being present a lot of the time. It’s a hard step to take, putting your needs before anyone else’s. It can feel strange when you’re not used to it, but if that sounds like you, it’s even more necessary.
Set those boundaries, make yourself the priority and find the time to support yourself.
Communicating how you feel can help
If you’re struggling and you’ve been suffering in silence, it might be time to open up to someone you trust. You never know how supportive people can be until you ask for their help. When you communicate that you’re feeling a certain type of way it can open up conversations and can make it known that you might need a friend to check in on you some days.
If you don’t feel like you can reach out to anyone around you, you could always use the Samaritan helpline. Talking can really help. Sometimes just saying how you feel out loud can get you started on the process of feeling a little lighter.
Look at how far you’ve come already (Smashing it!!)
Making sure you track your progress and look back on everything you’ve accomplished so far can be a great way to acknowledge how far you’ve come.
Even if that means you get out of bed an hour earlier than you used to or you cry one less day a week. That is still progress and these are things to pat yourself on the back for.
You’re doing incredibly well and YOU’VE GOT THIS.
Having these bad days does NOT mean you’re failing
When I hit the fifth year without dad, I suddenly felt worse than ever. Like it was all raw again. I couldn’t understand it. I’d worked so hard to get to here and thought I’d made so much progress and here I was feeling completely broken again.
I felt like I had failed.
A year on and I realise how wrong I was. You can’t fail at grieving. Grieving isn’t something you can pass or fail at. It’s something you carry with you and some days it feels like a ton of bricks and other days it feels like a bag of feathers.
Bad days are normal, remember that.
Unexpected triggers are normal
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been hit with a surge of sadness from a photo, a sound, a word or a song. It can be really sudden too, as if you were physically hit by it.
I definitely got more of these in the first year or two but I still get them now and as much as they catch me off guard at times, sometimes I actually find myself appreciating these moments.
It means I still remember. It means my dad is still with me. It means I haven’t forgotten. It means I’m normal.
You’re not broken, you’re just grieving
Losing someone can feel like you lost a part of yourself. You can feel broken and like you’ll never fully be fixed. I definitely feel like that at times, like how can I ever be whole again when my heart is broken into a million pieces?
Turns out it’s just grief.
The grief is the broken part, it’s not me. It’s a feeling. A symptom. We carry grief with us every day as added baggage but it doesn’t mean we’re broken.
We’re going to be okay because grief is all of the love we never got to share. So share away. You got this.