How to handle grief on Father’s day
We’re always carrying the weight of grief with us. When you lose someone, especially a parent, everything feels like it’s been tipped upside down. It’s tricky to navigate all of the emotions that show up, especially around anniversaries, birthdays and days like Father’s day.
I lost my dad in 2018. You can read my grief story here.
When my dad died no one could say or do the right thing for what I needed because I was so angry at the world and felt completely broken at how unfair it was. I still feel that anger and sadness but it’s a lot less intense most days now. When those ‘celebratory’ days do come round though it can feel triggering and as much as I try to prepare, the best thing to do is to take the pressure off completely.
The pressure of feeling a certain way or having any expectations. The build up to Father’s day is bad enough with all the commercialism so we don’t need to add on to that with our own judgements of ourselves on a day that is inevitably tough.
Father’s day weekend is always a tough one for me, so this felt like a good time to share some of the ways I attempt to manage the emotions that come up when days like this come round.
Your grief journey is unique to YOU
All of the emotions are valid. Feeling numb is still an emotion. Feeling like you can’t feel. That’s a scary emotion and it’s easy to spin into panic and worry that you’re somehow grieving wrong? I’ll let you in on a little secret, all of us grieve differently. EVERY SINGLE one of us. Comparing your grief to someone else’s might just be making you feel worse.
I did this in my first couple of years of grief. I was convinced I was some weirdo that couldn’t even grieve properly. Everyone seemed to handle it better than me. The truth of the matter is they actually weren’t handling it better at all, I just didn’t see the worst of it because we only know what we see. We can see 100% of our own emotions and actions so naturally that is going to seem so much more intense than anyone else’s.
My way of coping was to pretend I was okay, talk about the loss and talk about my dad like it was a story and then cry when I was completely alone. I would schedule my cries!? Seems ridiculous when I say that now. It didn’t work of course. Suppressing what we’re feeling is only temporary, it all comes out when we least expect it and all at once if we bottle it up. It’s so much easier said than done. It’s crazy how everything carries on as normal even though our world has just crumbled to pieces. It feels extremely unfair but we have to keep going.
You take up a special space in this world and you MATTER. Whether it feels like that right now or not, you’re here for a reason. You have so much love to give and you will get there.
Whatever you’re feeling is valid
Guilt is a big emotion that comes up with grief and I personally have struggled with this a lot. Feeling guilt that we’re all carrying on without dad or feeling guilt when I forget to think about him, especially if I’m out enjoying myself and catch myself feeling happy.
It’s tricky to navigate this, especially in the early days but the best thing to do is feel it. It might sound ridiculous but the more we fight the emotions, the more they come up. When you feel into it and realise it’s completely okay to feel sad and angry, to momentarily forget and feel calm and happy and then to feel sick and angry with guilt because you forgot for a whole 10 minutes. Losing someone is horrible no matter what and the emotions you feel after the loss are all completely valid.
Learning how to live without my dad has been full of lessons and realisations and still is. I totally believe I’ll be on this learning journey for the rest of my life and I’m okay with that now, but it’s a hard truth. People will tell you it will get better with time and while that isn’t wrong, it’s not completely right either. I think the best way to put it is that with time we learn to manage our grief better and we get stronger as the time goes on. The grief doesn’t get lighter, we just figure out better ways to carry it.
Sometimes distracting yourself is the best thing you can do
If everything feels like too much and all the emotions are eating you up, sometimes it’s best to find distractions and take yourself away from it as best you can. Finding things to distract your mind like creative activities or learning a new instrument or getting out the house and going bowling or something. Finally shutting off the relentless noise in your mind and getting a much needed break from all the emotion, even for a minute. You have to be kind to yourself because you’re simply doing the best you can and that is MORE than enough.
There’s some ideas on different activities and things to do on this page including a breathwork exercise but if all else fails chatting it out might be a good idea. This could be to a friend or family member or someone at Samaritans if you feel like it needs to be someone outside of your circle.
In my first year of grief I saw a grief counsellor and found that really helpful to work through the intense sadness and anger that I had alongside some mild trauma from what had happened. Now my favourite ways to work through my emotions is either journalling or walking or both.
Journalling can be such good therapy. The best way to start is to do a ‘mind dump’ which is essentially writing whatever comes into your head. Set a timer for 5 minutes and just write. Even if you start with, “I don’t know what to write, this is stupid”. Trust me when I say you’ll end up writing more than that and it might just surprise you.
If you need more of a journal prompt you can find a list of prompts here. There’s prompts on self-love, feelings of anxiety, processing loss and so much more. It sometimes helps to ask yourself these questions because the answers can surprise you.
Walking is like magic for anxiety especially. If I feel anxious, wound up or sad walking really helps me find some clarity. It’s also crazy how many ideas you can come up with while walking, I’m a freelance designer and the imagination goes wild on walks. It’s like MAGIC. It’s also really beneficial to walk with someone. Walking and talking is great for forgetting all of your worries for a small amount of time.
Distracting yourself won’t be possible 24/7 unfortunately but on day’s like Father’s day… if you can go for a walk or go out with friends or binge watch the show friends, it might help the day feel a little lighter.
Avoid social media for the day
With all of the commercialised content around Father’s day it’s hard to stay away from it completely but on the actual day try to avoid the social apps to prevent any triggers. Seeing all the posts about other people’s dads can be tough. I used to be one of those that would post and I’m happy for all of those people that have such brilliant dad’s worth posting for… I just wish mine was still here.
Sometimes I would post about dad to honour him on social media. To keep his memory alive or to just be a part of the day still? For whatever reason felt right at the time I did that for a few years. Whilst it was nice to get a few messages of love and support it was a little like torture. Why go on those apps and see everything that you wish you still had, what does it achieve?
Now I like to keep to myself and process my own thoughts and emotions, which sometimes just means ignoring everything and playing Animal Crossing on the Nintendo Switch. At the end of the day you have to do what’s right for you on the day. It’s definitely worth avoiding the socials for the weekend if you think it might be a trigger for you. Delete the apps to prevent accidentally going on there and make plans to do anything else.
Be kind to yourself
On day’s like Father’s day, being kind to yourself is key. You should always show kindness towards yourself through all the ups and downs of grief but on ‘celebratory’ day’s it’s crucial.
Going through loss like this, especially when being quite young, I feel has changed my life in a way I never expected. It’s not all bad as I’ve learnt a lot and feel like a grew up quite quick because of it.
Sometimes I like to carry on as ‘normal’ as possible and other times I find I NEED to take some time to look after myself because if I’m being honest, it’s been a tough few years. I found this quote that I just love, it’s “Just because someone carries it well, doesn’t mean it isn’t heavy” and that is such a great way of reminding us all that everyone’s fighting their own battle and carrying their heavy baggage and just trying to survive.
You might be really good at pretending you’re okay when you’re struggling but sometimes that means people don’t know to reach out. Reach out to the people around you if that’s the case. Being vulnerable isn’t easy but you can do it! Sometimes you just need someone to listen. This could be to a friend or family member or someone at Samaritans if you feel like it needs to be someone outside of your circle.
Being kind to yourself can look different to everyone. If for you it’s playing video games and forgetting the world for an hour then great. If taking a bath and spending the day binge watching your favourite show or reading a good book is more your vibe, go for it. Do what is right for YOU, that is all you can do and that is MORE than enough.
Whatever you decide to get up to, take the pressure off of yourself, delete social media off of your phone and be kind to yourself about all of the emotions that come up. It is just another day after all, we’ve got this!!
This episode of my podcast Comfy Chaos is all about what I wish people knew in their early stages of grief, and how I handle days like Father’s day after losing my dad, whilst shareing parts of my grief journey.