What emotions did you feel within your first year of grief?

Even though my Mums cancer was stage 4 and incurable, My Mum had always bounced back from treatment, operations and even out lived what the doctors had predicted but when she died, I was still so shocked. I would find myself doing a food shop thinking ‘No one knows my whole world has just tipped upside down’ I would look at my Mums photo and think ‘How have you gone’ I just couldn’t believe such a big, kind, happy soul had gone. The first few months I was a bit numb and found it really hard to concentrate on anything, Even just having a chat with someone would be challenging, All I could think of is my Mum.

I felt like I was running on a different energy to friends, I would go to work or meet a friend for coffee..put on a ‘brave face on’ but I would come home exhausted. I soon realised that it felt my life was now in two stages Before Mum died and then after Mum died. I noticed that people found it easier to be around me when I would say the ‘right things’ like “Mum wouldn’t want me to be sad” or “She’s at peace now” Of course these things are true but that raw grief made me want to say “It’s not fair” or “I’m finding it really tough” Sometimes I just wanted to talk about my Mum, I know that people would feel awkward or wouldn’t want to upset me but I absolutely loved it if someone would share a memory of my Mum or tell a funny story about her, It meant they loved Mum and missed her too!

I still love talking about my Mum. I wouldn’t necessarily cry a lot but I felt so sad and that sadness felt really heavy, I’d not ever known a heartache like it, It felt so lonely. I felt really sad that my Mum would miss my children growing up. I just missed her so much and I still do. Over the first year, I was able to appreciate nice days out but I always had the sadness that I couldn’t ring my Mum when I got home and tell her about it. I think that first year I really felt like the colour had drained out of my world, Everything was still the same, I lived in the same house, Did the school run, went to work but everything was now in black and white.